How I have changed!

I have no memory of starting this blog in 2009, but apparently I did. I had more posts from 2011 (also, absolutely no memory of those either), but deleted them because I was ridiculous. It's amazing how much I've changed in just three years. I've grown as a person. I've grown as a woman of God. I'm not the woman of God I desire to be, but I'm closer than I was three years ago. In 2011, I was a teacher at Gateway Christian Academy. Teaching there is something I still miss, but I know it's not God's will for my life. Since then, my entire career path has changed. I no longer want to teach Elementary School. I want to teach High School. Really? High School? I still have a hard time believing that High School is what God has placed in my heart. 

Let me back up and tell you how I figured that desire out. After working at Gateway for 3 amazing years, I decided I needed a public school job in order to support myself, in order to pay off student loans, and in order to have a future and a retirement plan. I graduated from college in 2007 and still have none of those things going for me. During this time looking for a public teaching job, I often became frustrated and well...depressed. I have to be very careful and aware of when I feel depression creeping in because it is something I deal with. Yes, I am a Christian. Yes, I deal with depression. It is a disease just like anything else. I don't take medicine because I don't like how it makes me feel. Now, however, I am aware of when I feel it creeping in. During those times, I know that I have to get out of my room. I have to be around other people even though that is the last thing on earth I want to do. I also have to be in the word. Have too. Reading the bible during that time is almost impossible. But I know I NEED it. Anyway, while trying to find a teaching job, I became depressed because it almost felt IMPOSSIBLE. The problem with all this is that "I" was trying to do things MY way. Eventually, I did get a job teaching 2nd grade. I was scared to death. Fear is also something I deal with. I thought I had prepared myself for everything and that things were going to work out great this time. Well....I lasted a month. It wasn't the kids. I loved the kids. Let's just say I did not have the support I desperately needed. Coming from private school to public school is a completely different world. It also felt much like my very first day of teaching ever. Like I was starting over. The stress of not knowing what I was doing and not having the support I needed caused me to become physically ill every single day. Nausea. Vomiting. Daily. Needless to stay, I quit after only a month. I then spiraled into deep depression. I felt like a failure. I felt like everything I had ever thought I wanted or could do was destroyed. (This is not the first teaching job that I have quit.....My first job was in Jackson, MS. but that's another story entirely.) I am a bit of a perfectionist and because I felt like I was not doing my job like I thought I should be....it killed me. I hated everything and everyone during this time. I wanted to be left alone. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to think about teaching. For a while, I thought that teaching was not my calling. I say all of this to say, I was following my will. I was doing things I thought I should. I didn't pray about any of it. I didn't think to ask God for help or guidance. All I thought about was me me me. Let me tell you....that is not a way to live life. God has a plan. I may not always understand it, but I know now that He has a plan. When I finally got out of the funk I was in, I decided to substitute once again. (Not the first time I have been a sub) No one called me to sub. No one. Then one day, a local High School called. I answered. I went. I fell in love with it. That's how the desire to teach High School was formed. I connected with teenagers. It felt right. It feels right. Now I am in the process of applying for job once again. I hate this process more than anything. However, now I believe that God is directing my path and I'm listening this time. If it doesn't work out, if I don't get a job teaching high school, I will still be okay with that. I know God will provide for my needs. I know that He is with me no matter what. My point of all this is that TRUSTING IN GOD is an absolute necessity. Do not try to do "Life" on your own. It won't work. Believe that God has a plan for your life. Believe that He loves you. Believe that He will provide for everything you need. I know that's easier said than done. But rest assured, the TRUSTING GOD life is much better than the TRUSTING YOURSELF life. No matter what happens next school year, I'm going to be okay because I know that God loves me and cares for me. I will leave you with this awesome scripture....

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for HE CARES FOR YOU." 1 Peter 5:6-7