Frustration

So far my blog posts have been happy and shiny. Today's post will not be that way. I'm frustrated. I don't understand. I was hoping and praying and putting all of my hopes and dreams into a job that I thought for sure I would at least have a chance of getting. I thought God was directing me to this place. I thought wrong I suppose. I know I'm supposed to have faith and believe He will provide, but that is really hard sometimes. I'm a little angry. I'm not going to lie. The position has been filled, and as far as I can tell, there are no more positions that I qualify for anywhere. I have struggled for over five years to become a teacher and to get my career started. I'm thirty years old and I still have nothing to show for myself. Why is this so hard? Is it because I missed the calling God put on my life? Am I not supposed to be a teacher? I'm starting to think the answer to that is no. The thing is, I don't know what else I would do with myself. I have a Master's Degree in Education, but qualify for no other job other than teaching???? I was just searching on the internet for what I could do with this degree, and I came up with NOTHING. What do I do now? What's the next step in my life? Dear God I'm crying out to you! Please give me some kind of answer. I'm at a loss. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of hoping. I'm tired of wishing for so many things in my life. Could just one thing work out for me? Just one? Yes. This is a pity party. Welcome. I desperately need your prayers. I don't know that anyone reads this, but if you do I'm earnestly asking for your prayers for guidance. I'm hurting.

Grey's Anatomy Ah Ha Moment

So I record old episodes of Grey's Anatomy everyday. It comes on Lifetime like three times a day. That's how I unwind after work every afternoon. (That is when I was working...that's a completely different blog topic) Grey's Anatomy is a great show. Of course I don't approve of everything on the show. I don't approve of most things on tv these days that society says we should just except. (Again that's a topic for later) Anyway, I'm watching Grey's today and ya know Meredith's monologue that she says throughout the show? That is some profound stuff! Her monologue at the end really struck a cord with me. Here it is....

       "There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't because I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn you need love and don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then....it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. The only difference is....death ends. This...it could go on forever." Meredith Grey.

This struck me for two reasons.

1. I completely understand and relate to what she said. I've only been in one relationship in my entire thirty years of living. I thought I experienced love. I'm not so sure I actually did anymore. The end of that relationship, however, literally almost killed me. It's sounds so stupid to say that now but at the time of that breakup I didn't want to keep living. Ridiculous I know. Love is scary. Like terrifying to me. Love is scary to me because I don't ever want to feel that pain again. Again, now I'm not so sure I was in love, but you get the point. It's easier to be alone. No risk of being hurt if you are alone. I guess that's why I never put myself out there. Ever. Well I did try online dating recently. That was a disaster. Online dating is definitely not for me. I seriously have quit trying. There doesn't seem to be a point. People always say when you stop looking that's when you will find it. Blah blah blah! What 30 year old single woman is not thinking about the fact that she is still single. What 30 year old woman is not looking. Maybe not actively looking but for sure always thinking "what if" about this one or that one. Come on. So don't tell me to stop looking. It's in our nature. We notice men. Let's be real. Anyway, I understand why Meredith said it's easier to be alone. Totally get that.

2. Now the second thing that struck me is when she said "What if you shape your life around it and then....it falls apart?"  Well....yeah. I know that if you shape your life around any human being on earth, it will most likely fall apart. They will most likely disappoint. I've had my share lately of trusting people and letting them in my life only to have them completely let me down. Men of the church that I greatly respected and looked to as father figures letting me down. It hurts. It doesn't make sense. This is why we should never shape our lives around other people. It doesn't work. Who should we shape our lives around? Jesus. Jesus is the only person who will not let us down. Jesus is the only person we can truly trust to hold our hearts and know that He will not break it. We have to be whole in Him. He loves me and you more than any man ever could. Isn't it comforting to know that there is someone who you can trust with your entire heart? There is no greater love than the love of Jesus. I know that this may sound corny and unrealistic, but these facts are the only things that are holding my life together right now. When everything else seems to be falling apart, I can still be believe that Jesus loves me. He loves us so much He gave His life for us. That's some kind of love!

So I see where Meredith is coming from, but unfortunately, I'm not sure Meredith has ever experienced the love of God. (Well, maybe the writer of this has never experienced God's love) I can't imagine a life like that. It makes me want to pray for these people. You will never be the same after you truly experience the love of God. That moment when He wraps His arms around you! Ahh....nothing better. I love when God holds me. I love I love I love the way You hold me. Thanks Jamie Grace.

P.S. If you know of a wonderful man of God send him my way. :)

I'll leave you with my favorite YouTube video of all time! Love her heart!

 

The End of a Fantastic Journey

So I'm going to try this blog thing again. It felt good last time to get some things out there so here we go....

Today was the end of a long term sub job that I was doing. Going into this position, I was terrified to say the least. It was 8th grade English. The English part didn't scare me, but boy did the middle school part terrify me. Much like the first time I subbed in a high school classroom. Well, wouldn't you know it, it wasn't nearly as terrifying as I had imagined. Sure, I had some issues along the way with a few students. Some behavior problems and such. I'm not sure if you all realize this, but middle schoolers are not easy. Teenagers are not easy. Hormones. Drama. Lots of drama. But ya know what? I fell in love with teaching middle schoolers. I wouldn't say I love it more than high school, but I definitely broadened my horizons. 

During my time teaching, I would play KLove while students worked. Almost everyday. Now, this was a public school and it's probably against the rules to play Christian music in the classroom. (Which is ridiculous) Regardless, I did it. Please don't think that we just listened to music all day long. I played the music after I taught the skill and they were doing independent work or working on writing essays. (They loved writing essays...let me tell ya haha) The awesome thing is that no one complained about the music. No one's mom called me yelling at me for playing such music. Nothing happened. I'm not sure if listening to this music glorifying God changed their lives, but I can tell you that it affected me. It uplifted me. Every now and then a song would come on and I would think....Wow, I really needed to hear that. I'm pretty sure God knew I needed to hear certain songs at certain times. "He is always on time."  I've heard that expression all my life, but lately it is becoming real to me. God's timing is perfect. It really is. So many times I've tried to force things to happen in my life. Career. Relationships. I now look back on some of my choices and decisions and thank God that my life didn't go the way I planned. If I would have waited on God, I would have avoided so much heartache and disappointment. Hey everybody!! TRUST GOD'S TIMING! There is that trust God thing again....can't seem to get past that. Now, is God's timing frustrating sometimes? Do I wonder what on earth He is doing? Do I ask God questions like why me? When God? Of course I do. Let's just be real guys. Haven't we all asked such questions? I don't think it's wrong to ask those questions? I think it's okay to have conversations about what is on our hearts with God. I think it's okay to cry out to God about anything. For instance....I'm thirty. I'm single. That's extremely frustrating and frankly I cannot understand the reasoning behind it when the desires of my heart are to have a family. In my mind, I'm thinking...I'm not getting any younger. That biological clock is ticking. Then there are the reminders everywhere that you are alone. I do mean everywhere. And lately babies have been at every stinking turn in my life. Seriously. Everyone is having a baby. I'm chasing a rabbit here. Let me return to my point. I get frustrated with God's timing sometimes. I do. However, I also know that God's timing is perfect. However badly I want a husband, I'm not going to force it. I'm not going to settle for anything less than God's best for me.I am patiently waiting on a spiritual leader. Someone who loves God more than anyone or anything. (I may be waiting a while lol) I trust that He has someone for me. I trust that I am that someone for someone. I TRUST GOD. The older I get, the more I am understanding God's plan and His purpose for my life. I have faith that God will make a way even when I see no way. Serious rabbit chasing happening here.

So today was my last day of teaching 8th grade. You would have thought that I was dying or something the way my students were acting. I had this one girl, I kid you not, tell me about 20 times today that she was going to miss me and that she was going to cry and begging me not to leave. Do you know how good that makes a teacher feel? She also said that I was her favorite teacher EVER. And I'm just a sub. haha. I didn't realize the impact I had on these kids until today. Today was one of those days that teachers live for. I made a difference in their lives in some way the three months I was with them. I thank God for the opportunity. I'm sure I learned a lot more than I taught them. Today was a high unlike any a drug could give me haha (Not that I would know ;) You never know who is looking up to you. Don't disappoint. (I've been on the disappointed end of that spectrum) You never know how you are impacting the lives of others. It's not just teachers. Everyone can be a positive influence on someone else. I hope more than anything that these kids saw Jesus in me. That is more important than anything else I could ever teach them. Be a light this week. Remember that eyes are always watching you. Love Loud. Pray Hard. Be the light. Blogging is kind of fun.

" I have set you as a light to the Gentiles, That you should be for salvation to the ends of the earth." Acts 13:47